Back At It

Well, I've been absent from the blogging world for about a year, but I've been learning more and more about families in that time, and I'd like to keep sharing. I'm in another family class now, and my professor said something today that has been bouncing around in my brain all day.


"Your family is only as strong as your marriage."


This, I believe, is generally true. The rule, not the exception. I have seen some families do mostly alright despite a weak marriage, but the optimal environment for growing a great family is in a great marriage. If things come between a husband and wife, even good things, a marriage falls apart, dragging the rest of the family down with it. Some things that are frequently justified as marriage interrupters are: work, children, friends, hobbies, and even extramarital partners. Not a one of these is an adequate reason to damage your marriage.


"Even children?" you may ask. Children are supposed to be the center of our lives, the reason we exist, right? Well, not quite. I know, I'm a kid person and always try to spend time with children if at all possible. Anyone who's known me more than a minute knows that, but I really believe that children can't be as happy as they could be if their parents are unhappy, especially with each other. Children take up a LOT of time, but even they can't come between a husband and wife who truly love each other and maintain happiness in the family. Even their own children can become the wedge that drives them apart if a couple does not work very hard to be, as I've heard it put, "fiercely loyal" to one another. This means that your marriage comes first. It comes before your job, your friends, your hobbies, and even your children. Work is necessary, friends are great, and hobbies keep us sane. But why don't more of us just work the hours we need to work then stop? Why don't we have friends who are also friends with our spouses and pass time with them rather than alone? I've learned more and more as time has gone on that I need to learn to love what those I love love. I hope that made sense. The point is, if I marry a man who loves watching football, I'm going to have to meet him in the middle. Watching a bunch of sweaty men I'll never even meet tackle each other and fight over a ball is not my idea of fun, but I'll join in my husband's hobbies in order to spend some time with him. That doesn't mean I plan to intently watch every second of every game during the season. I hope to compromise, to spend some time doing what he enjoys and some time doing what I enjoy. Together. How that will all work out is yet to be seen, but I know that it'll require give and take from both sides.




Recap: A solid marriage is a sure foundation for building a strong family, and if the foundation crumbles, it is so hard for the structure to remain intact. The two who control the foundation need to do all in their power to keep their structure standing, mainly by maintaining and strengthening the foundation they have built.


This is all from a single college student, so I want to hear what you think? What experiences have you had? I especially want to hear from my married friends.

Stress: Is it Good or Bad?

I submit my answer to this question: both.
This past week has been CRAZY in my family! Several big things happened; some are still in the process of happening. The biggest thing that affected the whole family was a wedding. My little brother got married...before me. And before my older brother. As much as I love my little brother and my new little sister, it's a hard thing to watch happen. Of course I'm happy for them, of course our older brother is happy for them, but it is still difficult to stand by and watch.
This is just one of the stressors that have helped bring my family closer together. Jealousy can be a hard thing, so I decided to draw closer to my brother and his new wife rather than allowing my jealousy to create a wall between us. This decision (along with their choice to reciprocate) has helped a lot in the hard situation I have been in. As things turned out, the wedding was absolutely wonderful! I was excited for my own big day, but not madly jealous like I thought I might be. The most prevalent feeling I had was joy for the new couple.
Another likely situation would have been my older brother and myself coming closer and forming an alliance against the little brother who would dare jump ahead of us. This didn't happen either because we chose to all come together. It required thought and conscious decisions. And it all has worked out beautifully!
The moral of this story is that we choose happiness. We can choose pain and disconnect, but any of these feelings really are chosen. We decide to overcome feelings by feeding more positive feelings and understanding one another or we choose to let the stress and negative feelings consume us.
Today I choose peace and an eternal friendship with my brothers and my new sister-in-law. What will you choose?
                           

Time to talk about Sexual Intimacy. I mean really talk about it.

Sexual intimacy. Yup, I said it. Now what? Do we blush, cringe, shy away, awkwardly change the subject? No. We talk about it like adults. In two of my classes this week we talked about sexual intimacy and sex education in the public school system. My roommates and I like to bring what we learn at school home and share it with each other, so I came home and talked with my apartment family about sexual intimacy within marriage A young man in my ward came over and became a part of our discussion. It wasn't awkward because we didn't make it awkward. It was a helpful conversation in which everyone contributed their own ideas and we answered each others' questions using doctrine. It was a very good talk that I believe people need to have before marriage. I do not believe in silence about sex. It can definitely be over-discussed and wrongly discussed, but if parents don't teach their children the appropriate way to discuss intimacy then they will surely learn the inappropriate ways from the media or peers.
Something that struck me this week is that I can teach my children about sexual intimacy along with the Holy Temple (of my LDS faith). Both are wonderful things that will help us become eternally happy, things we really do need at the appropriate times, and things we must wait for. This epiphany helped change my perspective on parenting and teaching and went along with the saying I once heard: "Sex isn't something to avoid because it's bad; it is something to wait for because it is so good."

These parents know what's up... or do they?

http://www.buzzfeed.com/awesomer/people-who-are-really-nailing-this-parenting-thing

I want to know what people think of these. There are some I think are really great, while most are just obviously awful.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/40-really-awesome-parents

These are mostly just funny.

Unbiological Families

Family is so diverse and so necessary! I was talking to a very close friend today who I generally refer to as my brother. I think of him as a brother and it helps keep people from asking if we're dating, so we've been "siblings" for years. This recently brought up an issue with a teacher who thought that I should be dating John (my "brother") since we are so close. The fact is, we've talked about that a lot. Everyone who knew us for a few years thought we would be perfect for each other. Neither of us is interested in dating the other and we both are aware of what a bad couple we would be, especially as parents.
As I was thinking of the whole unbiological family issue, I realized that we really crave those family ties. I've become very close to some of my home evening groups and have several friends I consider my family. Some of them I wish were my family and others I am fine with just claiming now. The point of this, though, is that we NEED family, whether they are related or not. So, find a family where you are and love them the way they deserve to be loved. You'll feel better with those close ties. I do!
Picture 1 is of my biological family and the others are all of friends who have become family after a lot of time  together.

Hands Free Mothering

http://www.handsfreemama.com/2013/05/22/the-important-thing-about-yelling/

This is an interesting blog that someone shared with me through a group I am a member of. I liked the mother's ideas quite a lot and agree that yelling severs relationships. I only have a few memories of being yelled at as a child, but they all involve hiding and crying. Even when others yelled at each other, I still cried.
An experience I had in a daycare I used to work in helped me realize that there are occasions to raise your voice. There were four teachers working with the after-school children and I was the quiet one. The otehr teachers all had children of their own and were years older than I. I had just graduated from high school and was barely 18. All of the other teachers yelled consistently to be heard in the large center with so many children and so much noise. I was the one who talked to children more individually and quietly. One day the children were not listening at all and I raised my voice enough to be heard by all in the room. They all, teachers included, stopped what they were doing and really paid attention to me. The other teachers were dumbfounded. They didn't realize I knew how to be heard; they didn't realize that I saved my loud voice for times when I needed it. It's like people who swear all the time; they don't get taken seriously because it's not new, not a shock, and therefore ineffective.
This being said, the times to use a loud voice are few and far between. Parents need to really be getting attention to necessitate yelling, in my mind. A child who is about to walk into danger and needs to realize what's happening is a valid reason, but if a child is looking at a parent the way the author of this blog describes, with fear of a parent in his eyes, that is the time to rethink yelling, or any form of punishment being employed.

Motherhood and overcoming trials

I found this video the other day and have watched it a few times since then. I feel it's a great depiction of motherhood, and it shows the hard part: the sleepless nights, the exhaustion that comes from parenting. It also shows the joy that cannot be found any other way.

This gem was given to me by a teacher when I went to his office in an attempt to find peace with my current situations. At the point when he is talking to his younger self and he looks right at the camera with tears in his eyes, I just bawled. He was talking directly to me. I hope this provides the same feeling of comfort and the same drive to keep going that it did for me.